For Those Who Must Drink Coffee in Church


I know that a few of you will be in church services this evening, because many churches hold New Year’s Eve services. And because it’ll be an obviously late evening, many of you will probably do something you normally do when you come to church — bring coffee.

With that in mind, I offer a parody of one of my favorite songs, Kirk Franklin’s “My Life Is In Your Hands.” Here’s a rendition on Youtube if you’ve never heard it.

Like many parodies, it’s actually much funnier if you actually sing it. If I had more time at my disposal, I would record it myself and send it around. (One of these days I may do just that.) Until then, those of you with taste for satire, feel free to actually sing it on your own, out loud even.

By the way, I wrote this parody over a year ago, and I’m realizing now that I was in a much darker place than I thought. Writing this was a form of stress relief, methinks. When I shared it with my wife, she didn’t find it as funny as I did — probably because she drinks coffee and I don’t.

To each their own, I guess.

My Latte’s In My Hand

(sung to the tune of Kirk Franklin’s “My Life Is In Your Hands”)

I don’t have to worry
I don’t have to be afraid
The lines are short at Starbucks
And the coffee is Fair Trade

See, every Sunday morning
This routine is what I do
I can only sing with one hand
Cause really praising Him takes two

Oh, I hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my hand

I used to go to small group;
But it took up all my time
We studied from a workbook
And I kept forgetting mine

Now my ministry is different
Now consuming is enough
And I find my inspiration
From the quotations on the cup

Oh, I hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my hand

Without it I feel naked
And in a year, I’ll spend three grand
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my hand

Some people don’t drink coffee
That’s a promise I can’t make
If I don’t have my latte,
Then I cannot stay awake

Cause I used to get in trouble
When I fell asleep alot
But all I need to hear the Spirit,
Is a couple extra shots

I hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way,
My latte’s in my hand

If there’s a need, let pastor take it
He seems like a good man
But no matter what my come my way
My latte’s in my hand

I hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way,
My latte’s in my hand

I still might send an offering
To that mission in Sudan
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my hand

Let the church say amen. And if you can’t say amen, say ‘ouch.’

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