Jelani is...
He’s an award-winning speaker, emcee, writer, and musician, moonlighting as half of the hip-hop duo The Iccsters (pronounced ‘icksters’) and director of worship at Irvington Covenant Church.
Posts Tagged ‘satire’
For Those Who Must Drink Coffee in Church
December 31st, 2008
I know that a few of you will be in church services this evening, because many churches hold New Year’s Eve services. And because it’ll be an obviously late evening, many of you will probably do something you normally do when you come to church — bring coffee.
With that in mind, I offer a parody of one of my favorite songs, Kirk Franklin’s “My Life Is In Your Hands.” Here’s a rendition on Youtube if you’ve never heard it.
Like many parodies, it’s actually much funnier if you actually sing it. If I had more time at my disposal, I would record it myself and send it around. (One of these days I may do just that.) Until then, those of you with taste for satire, feel free to actually sing it on your own, out loud even.
By the way, I wrote this parody over a year ago, and I’m realizing now that I was in a much darker place than I thought. Writing this was a form of stress relief, methinks. When I shared it with my wife, she didn’t find it as funny as I did — probably because she drinks coffee and I don’t.
To each their own, I guess.
My Latte’s In My Hand(sung to the tune of Kirk Franklin’s “My Life Is In Your Hands”)
I don’t have to worry
I don’t have to be afraid
The lines are short at Starbucks
And the coffee is Fair TradeSee, every Sunday morning
This routine is what I do
I can only sing with one hand
Cause really praising Him takes twoOh, I hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my handI used to go to small group;
But it took up all my time
We studied from a workbook
And I kept forgetting mineNow my ministry is different
Now consuming is enough
And I find my inspiration
From the quotations on the cupOh, I hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my handWithout it I feel naked
And in a year, I’ll spend three grand
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my handSome people don’t drink coffee
That’s a promise I can’t make
If I don’t have my latte,
Then I cannot stay awakeCause I used to get in trouble
When I fell asleep alot
But all I need to hear the Spirit,
Is a couple extra shotsI hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way,
My latte’s in my handIf there’s a need, let pastor take it
He seems like a good man
But no matter what my come my way
My latte’s in my handI hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way,
My latte’s in my handI still might send an offering
To that mission in Sudan
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my hand
Let the church say amen. And if you can’t say amen, say ‘ouch.’
Really, Apple… A Vending Machine?
December 8th, 2008
I’m not the type of cat to throw stones at an innovative company like Apple, Inc.
(Even though I don’t have a problem with laughing with others who do.)
As a Windows man, I have a healthy amount of respect for Apple’s slick, easy-to-use products — many of which (including the ubiquitous iPhone and all the iterations of the iPod) have achieved significant market penetration for Apple, if not outright domination.
But I do believe there can be too much of a good thing, and I saw it with my own eyes during a layover in the Houston airport recently – when I walked past an iPod vending machine.
Yes, that’s right. A freaking iPod vending machine. 
It’s always been my understanding that vending machines depend primarily on foot traffic. So in this economy, it seems like a major stretch to expect Charlie and Cathy Consumer to shell out several hundred dollars on an impulse purchase, even one as popular as an iPhone or an iPod.
Yet, there it was, in the middle of the concourse.
So I guess that must be what the brain trust at Apple is banking on. Either that, or they’re just expecting spontaneous brand conversions, as consumers cave to the massive waves of peer pressure that result from such market domination.
Or maybe this is just one big ego boost.
Screw it, I’m Steve Jobs, and I say we sell iPods in vending machines. Don’t give me figures, lets MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
I enjoy seeing that kind of moxie when it’s depicted as comedy – like the fictional Gillette exec in this great archived piece from The Onion (WARNING R-rated language).
But in real life, it’s not as funny. I hope nobody loses their shirt over this, because as far as I know, they’re not selling those in vending machines yet.
Sarah Palin: The New Chuck Norris
September 3rd, 2008
For those of you, like me, who couldn’t get enough “investigative reporting” about the growing legend of Carlos Ray Norris, the phenomenon is repeating itself with the latest femme fatale, VP candidate (and McCain running mate) Sarah Palin. I give you: Sarah Palin Facts. My favorites:
- Sarah Palin begins every day with a moment of silence for the political enemies buried in her yard.
- Sarah Palin can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves
- Sarah Palin is what Willis was talkin’ ’bout
- Scientists discovered mysterious watermarks on Sarah Palin’s ultrasound images. Translated from Inuit, they read: “ALASKA GIRLS KICK @SS.”
- Fox is starting a new reality show … “When Sarah Palin Attacks”
- Death once had a near-Sarah-Palin experience
- In the original version, He-Man had the power of Sarah Palin, but the writers felt this would make him way too powerful
- Jesus has a bracelet that says “WWSPD”
By the way, one of those I made up just now. Astute Mixin’ It Up readers should be able to guess which one. enjoy.
Hey, It Worked For George Lucas
August 22nd, 2008
The latest headline from The Onion:
Aaron Sorkin Announces New ‘West Wing’ Animated Series at SorCon.
(Hey, it worked for George Lucas.)
This is yet another reason why I really love The Onion.
Because every once in awhile I read something so hilarious, it had to have been written by someone like me.
(After I read that last sentence, I realize it came off far more egotistical sounding than I meant. It’s not that only people like me are funny. Rather, it takes a certain person with similar tastes and talent to write something that I would find particularly funny.)
As I’ve mentioned before, often the best forms of satire are, rather than mean-spirited, affectionate jabs at a target with which the author is well acquainted.
In this case, that target is the immensely talented and heavily scrutinized screenwriting auteur Aaron Sorkin.
Speaking as someone who is still rewatching episodes of Studio 60 on iTunes, I was very amused by the premise of the article. And slightly intrigued by the possibility.
I know, I know. That’s pathetic.
I don’t know if this makes me a “Sorkie,” one of the legion of dedicated fans who idolize Sorkin — and his right-hand director, Tommy! Schlamme! — but I’m pretty sure that it makes me a huge nerd.
But I don’t care.
I really dig Sorkin’s work. It just fits me in a way other shows don’t.
I had a conversation with a friend once, who was telling me why she didn’t like the show, and eventually it boiled down to the fact that she didn’t like the fact that the characters talked so fast and were so clever.
“Real people don’t talk like that,” she said.
But I talk like that!, I wanted to say.
I didn’t, though, because, really, she’s right. Real people don’t talk like that.
At least not all the time, anyway. Real people don’t have professional writers crafting eloquent bon mots at every turn. Real people don’t usually have the impressive dramatic range and comedic timing to carry Sorkin’s trademark walk-and-talk staccato.
But God help us if our biggest problem with a TV show is that it makes us a little smarter.
And for the record, I’m still holding out for a Sports Night feature film. If Joss Whedon’s Firefly fans got Serenity, then we should get this, it’s only fair. There”s gonna be a 10-year anniversary DVD reissue this year, so maybe that will drum up some support.
Come on, folks.
Someone get working on this.
Felicity Huffman, Peter Krause, Josh Charles, Joshua Malina, Sabrina Lloyd, Robert Guillaume… throw in a little Janel Moloney, Dule Hill… who wouldn’t watch that?
I’m telling you.
This needs to happen.
Mary Mary Launches Reality Show to Add Third Mary
July 7th, 2008
They’re known as sisters.
And they’ve since become mothers.
How fitting, then, that they would seek to find another sister — named after the most well-known mother of all.
As a follow up to their popular Mother’s Day promotion with Colgate, Tina and Erica Atkins-Campbell, commonly known as superstar gospel duo Mary Mary, have agreed to star in a reality-TV vehicle to discover a third singing partner. The twist? She’ll be a Mary, alright. All the eligible contestants will be Catholic nuns.
Tina says the inspiration came from an unlikely source.
“We had just come from a long studio session, and Teddy had already put the girls to bed, and I just couldn’t sleep yet, so I turned on the TV. And there was Lauryn, just tearing it up again.”
“I’ll never forget that night,” piped in Erica.
They’re referring to a rebroadcast of Sister Act 2, part of a November Whoopi Goldberg marathon on TNT. The 1993 sequel, directed by Bill Duke, featured a breakout performance from then undiscovered Lauryn Hill, who went on to become an accomplished singer and rapper with The Fugees.
“Just watching her sing the open to ‘Joyful Joyful’ got my heart racing,” says Tina. “Pretty soon, I had to get on the phone.”
“Tina called me at 12:30 at night, talkin’ ’bout ‘Girl, turn on TNT… remember this?!’”
They both watched the rest of the song, completely spellbound in nostalgic reverie. By the time it was over, they knew something was brewing.
“Erica said, ‘are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ and I was like, ‘Yeah, but Lauryn Hill’s not in the industry anymore.’”
“My sister, she didn’t quite get it,” laughs Erica. “So me and Warryn did some brainstorming the next day, and a few months later, here we are.”
Their brainstorming led them to contact Whoopi Goldberg directly, who thought the idea was splendid. Ms. Goldberg’s advocacy on their behalf helped them gain the rights to record a remake of “Ms. Celia’s Blues (Sister),” which will function as the show’s theme song, albeit with reworked lyrics:
“Sister, you can jump the line
Sister, we’re three of a kind, oh,
Sister, have I got some news… for you!”
The three day miniseries, entitled, “Sister, May I?” will be broadcast on the BET network, in anticipation of their fourth album to be released in August. It’s their hope that the third Mary will be able to tour with Tina and Erica, and maybe even contribute in the songwriting process for the fifth album, slated for a release sometime in late 2010.
“It’ll require an adjustment period for all three of us,” admits Tina. “But whichever sister joins the group, we don’t want her to change on our behalf. She can still wear the habit and everything.”
“Black is always stylish,” chimes in Erica.
Still, the bold reality-TV concept wasn’t exactly greeted with enthusiasm by representatives of parent label Columbia Records.
“Even if she can sing, I’m not sure how it’s going to work,” said industry analyst Nathan Trimble.
“I’ve never seen any nuns with sex appeal.”
When reminded that Mary Mary was a gospel duo with a large Christian audience, Trimble was undeterred.
“Christians have sex too,” he said. “I mean, isn’t that how R. Kelly got so popular?”
Local convents have welcomed the news, as scores of musically talented African-American women have filled their ranks in the weeks following the announcement.
“They’re coming in droves,” said sister Mary Francis of Santa Sabinet, a religious order of women in southern California. “The days of banquet fund-raising is over. From now on, it’s choir concerts and braiding hair.”
One of the hopeful contestants is former Sister, Sister star Tamera Mowry.
“Call me greedy, but I always wanted more than one sister,” Mowry laments. “And ever since Tia got married, it’s like I don’t even have her anymore.” Beaming in front of the camera, she continued.
“That’s why I was so excited about this show. I wanted to be an unofficial member of Out of Eden for awhile, and that didn’t work out. Maybe Tina and Erica can become my newest sisters instead. If not… well, aren’t the ladies in Point of Grace related?”
Still, the newest BET reality vehicle is earning its share of controversy, despite its wholesome premise. The Vatican has since issued an advisory warning about the series, citing the tenuous connection with Lauryn Hill, whose 2003 Vatican concert offended many, including the Pope. As a result, several local Catholic advocacy groups have organized a boycott.
“I think they’re a little confused about their theology,” said spokesman Jason Card. “I mean, the doctrine of the trinity has nothing to do with the virgin Mary.”
When the show’s operating budget was announced, Card backtracked a bit.
“If they need a publicist, however, I can be available.”
A sampling of Mary Mary fans polled online have favorable expectations for the program, although a few comments on their message boards revealed concerns about the move.
User JeZusLUVSM3 wondered if they’ll have to change the name of the group to accommodate the new member.
“How about ‘Mary! Mari! Maré!’ I mean, you know, it worked for Raphael and them, you never know.”
“Feels good to me,” she added.
Other anonymous users wondered if the duo is simply trying to cash in on the reality TV trend.
“That’s ridiculous,” said Columbia A&R representative Lisa Redmond. “All of our acts are committed to the highest standards of artistic integrity.”
At that, she couldn’t resist one more plug.
“So don’t forget to tune into BET next Friday, where we’ll have a live release party concert from our newest trio in the Columbia gospel family, Trilogy 6:8.”
* * *
[STANDARD DISCLAIMER -- this is satire. Otherwise known as humor. No, it's not true. It's a joke. But I had you going, didn't I? You know I did.]
Cross Movement Mandates All Emcees Rhyme in Greek
June 23rd, 2008
Not satisfied with being an industry leader in theologically orthodox rap music, John Wells recently made what some may consider a rather unorthodox decision.
Wells, known as The Tonic, but more broadly known as the president of Cross Movement Records, recently enacted a sweeping policy for all of the hip-hop groups under his label. Effective immediately, all emcees rhyming for Cross Movement Records must rap exclusively in Greek.
“In order to be true to the God of the Bible,” explained Wells at a recent press conference, “you have to speak the language of the Bible. So for us, that means speaking koine Greek, the language of the people. Although, I guess if you’re doing old-school hip-hop, then Hebrew would be an acceptable alternative.”
Up and down the roster, CMR artists are taking the news in stride.
“It just seems like the next logical step,” according to William “Duce” Branch, a.k.a. The Ambassador. “The beats will still be bangin’ like they always are, we’ll just be diggin’ deeper into the original language. Same message, same music, different form.
“The Bible says we’re called to be a peculiar people,” continued Branch. “Anybody can rap about God in English.“
While all CMR artists are adapting their craft to fit the rule, it’s unclear whether the mew mandate will apply to cameo appearances from other rappers as well.
“My man Shabach wants to get down on another joint with me,” says Brady Goodwin, a.k.a. the Phanatik. “But I don’t know, he might have to change his name to ‘Aineo’ or something.”
Emanuel Lambert (“Da Truth”) was particularly excited when he heard the news, sensing an opportunity to raise the standard for other emcees.
“Some folks act like you gotta have a Bible degree if you want to be a part of our ministry. Obviously, that’s not true. All you really need are the first two semesters.”
The biggest concern for the CMR staff is how their legion of fans will react.
“We know this will be a big adjustment to many of the fans who have supported us faithfully since day one,” admits Wells. “But for those willing to join us on our journey, we’ve made available a CM starter kit.”
Wells is referring to the Official Cross Movement Super Fan Pak, a bundled product designed by their marketing consultants. It consists of an expanded “HIStory” boxed set of greatest hits, a new CM T-shirt emblazoned with “IXOYE” in graffiti typeface, a New American Standard Bible, and a copy of Strong’s Concordance.
“If critics want to say our music isn’t weighty enough, the Fan Pak alone weighs like 15 pounds, fam.”
At this, he received several fist-pounds from members of the appreciative crowd, some of whom were in line to pre-order their own Fan Paks.
“See,” said Wells. “They know the signature.”
Third-coast native LeCrae is cautiously optimistic about the new lyrical focus, though he is asking for patience from his fans.
“Some ask LeCrae, ‘when you gon’ rhyme again?’ and I’m like, ‘hold up gimme time, my man.’ Because I’m still trynna learn my Greek tenses, you know?”
While Cross Movement artists and staff are preparing for a backlash from folks who feel their Greek-only stance is too drastic, they’ve also received criticism that they haven’t gone far enough.
“Greek is for transliterations, ” says Lampmode Recordings emcee Shai Linne. “If you really want to speak the language of the New Testament, you gotta do what I do — rhyme in Aramaic.”
While it’s way too early to gauge the response from consumers, industry experts say that rapping in Greek will polarize their wider fan base of urban Christians and their supportive suburban and rural counterparts.
At many Christian bookstores, however, patrons greeted the news with indifference.
“I don’t think I would notice either way,” said Janice Stephens, avid shopper and figurine enthusiast.
“When it comes to rap, it’s all Greek to me anyhow.”
[I really shouldn't have to say this, but just so there's no confusion ... this is a joke. It's called satire. Don't leave me angry comments about how I'm being disrespectful to the CM. On second thought, please... leave me angry comments. I need the comments.]
Israel Houghton Signs Endorsement Deal With New Seasons Markets
June 19th, 2008
New Seasons Market
Israel and New Breed, New Seasons
PORTLAND, OR. — Citing both his desire to reach a severely unchurched population bloc and his appreciation for organic fruits and vegetables, singer/songwriter Israel Houghton has entered into a commercial agreement with New Seasons Markets, a grocery chain in the Portland area.
Terms of the agreement have not been officially disclosed, but Houghton’s distinctive tenor can be heard singing the newest jingle for the high-end, specialty grocer, a remake of his first radio hit “New Season”:
It’s at New Seasons / They have it today / fresh cilantro / for your soufflé / At New Seasons there’s flour / and red and green tea / It’s at New Seasons / Come in with me
Fans of Houghton, frontman of the Grammy-winning powerhouse ensemble Israel and New Breed, were taken aback by the unusual career move, so Houghton recently took the step to explain himself.
“It actually started when we did a worship concert a few years back in the Portland area. I had just finished rehearsing, and was on my way to the hotel for a few hours of rest. And while I was in the car, I was just sensing this deep thirst inside of me. It was like an incredible longing for something that would satisfy, something to help me through this dry spell that I was in.
“Right then, the Spirit of God spoke to me,” Houghton said. “He told me, ‘take a left at the light.’ And there it was.”
Houghton claims it was divine appointment that led him into a New Seasons market that day, where they had just slashed prices on bottled water with echinacea.
“A 4-pack for $3.99? That stuff saved my voice. Do you know how high I sing?”
Ever since his great experience with the cheerful, friendly staffers — who also pointed out a new breed of hybrid apple-pears — he made it a point to return during every tour through the Pacific Northwest.
“Everybody else, on their downtime, was like ‘let me catch a movie’ or something. Aaron tried to get me to go to Powell’s — I guess there’s this bookstore everybody’s into — but I was like, ‘Naw, I gotta get back to New Seasons!’”
Now that Houghton has taken such a bold step, he’s hoping the unconventional alliance will spark a revolution among Christians in the supermarket aisle.
“There’s a new generation of believers out there, who are taking a stand. They are not satisfied with oranges with no flavor that sit on trucks for weeks at a time. And they are looking to take back their grocery stores for God.
I’m telling you, they’re taking it back, they’re taking it back.”
In lieu of payment, Houghton has requested sales floor space for his latest book, A Deeper Level of Food, a cookbook/devotional title.
So far, most of his fans have greeted the move with enthusiasm.
“My pastor wanted me to do a Daniel fast, where you eat only fruits and vegetables,” said Janice Hansbrough, a mother of three. “I wasn’t really into it until my husband bought me Israel’s new book. Now my favorite snack is snap peas with mint leaves.
“Even my husband eats it,” she added.
Even local New Seasons employees are pleased with the new arrangement. Cashier Grace McKay has noticed a difference in the checkout line. “Since we started playing that ‘With Long Life’ song, I’m pretty sure our geriatric vitamins have gone through the roof.”
Not everyone is happy with the arrangement, however.
“We’re running out of space as it is, shoot,” complained general manager Elaine Simpson. “If Israel wants a deeper level, he’s gonna have to renovate the basement.”
* * *
(In case you couldn’t figure this out… this is a joke, folks. It’s satire. Just like this post about a gospel workout instructor. I’m actually a fan of Israel Houghton and his music. I’m just a sucker for a parody song, and I made up the “It’s At New Seasons” song the first time I saw these markets open up in the Portland area.)
Canton Jones Launches His Own Line of Christian Rims
June 17th, 2008
ATLANTA, GA. — Devout Christian and hip-hop/R&B crooner Canton Jones held a press conference from inside his luxury SUV to announce the establishment of a new frontier in the CAJO International empire: CAJO Automotive, dealing exclusively high-end custom automotive accessories, including designer rims festooned with Christian symbols.
“Kingdom Rim-Ness is about taking the time to show off what you got,” said Jones, referring to his new line of rims slated to reach dealers later this month. “Provided, of course, that you point them back to the Source.”
When pressed to elaborate, Jones clarified his stance.
“I mean God, not the magazine.”
“Though they did give my album three stars, though,” he added.
Resplendent in a tailored suit and a diamond-encrusted Bluetooth earpiece, Jones held court for nearly an hour from the driver’s seat of his black H2 Hummer, answering questions and blasting music from his latest album, Matthew 22′s.
The five points represent the Trinity, CJ, and, uh, his wife. Or maybe the Five Horsemen. Definitely something Christian, though.
CAJO Automotive also has reached a tentative partnership with the Georgia Department of Driver Services, marketing license plates and covers with bling-friendly slogans like “ROLLWJC,” “ICY XIAN,” and “RIMS4HIM.”
Not only will such automotive products be available to consumers worldwide, but through a work-release program at World Changers Church International, former drug offenders will be allowed to assist in their manufacture, provided that they meet all of the customary parole requirements and promise to bump that new CaJo joint whenever possible.
Though critics have assailed his flamboyant style, Jones seems to be taking his success in stride.
“The Bible says the kingdom suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. Well I guarantee you, if you’re sittin’ on these every day, you gon’ have some folks try to take ‘em by force.”
When later asked to clarify his comments, Jones backtracked.
“Of course I would never advocate that kind of behavior. I’m just saying, brothas like the rims, nah mean? You know what, let me just quit now. I’m gonna stay saved on that one.”
* * *
[The previous article was a work of satire. You know, a joke. Because I think Canton Jones talks about rims too much. But just because I'm a good sport, here's the video to my favorite song of his, "Stay Saved."]
How’s My Praying? Dial 1-888-DNTPRAY
June 17th, 2008
Sometimes reckless faith is exciting. But, according to the Lark News, sometimes it’s just plain reckless.
I’m speaking, of course, about the phenomenon of praying for people who don’t want it. The question is, should people have to opt in, or opt out of being prayed for?
Someone get Stormie Omartian and Ralph Nader on a conference call.
How To Talk To Those With Whom You Disagree
May 30th, 2008
Inspired by my friend Erika and her resolution to be a living example regarding the issues she cares about, I decided to launch a personal crusade to get people to stop using the term “the race card.”
Jon Sanders, Townhall columnist and conservative policy analyst for the John Locke Foundation, was the first person I decided to take to task for using the phrase.
What follows is an exchange that I feel is both insightful and instructive. In short, this is how to have an honest, direct conversation with someone with whom you disagree. If more people did this, they might discover the same thing that I discovered — that we agree about more things than I thought.
Here was my first email:
Mr. Sanders,
I read your column, and if I’m understanding your thesis correctly, I understand — and even agree.
The power of the social construct we know as race has been not only polarizing, but unifying, and while Senator Obama has experienced both intense support and intense backlash because of his ethnicity. The fact that such a relative political neophyte such as Obama could take down stalwarts such as Edwards and Clinton is impressive, no doubt.
But I take issue with your loaded language, particularly your use of the phrase “the race card.”
This phrase has nefarious origins (the O.J. Simpson trial) and it has almost always served to advance the interests of those who wish to disdain any attempt by Blacks or other non-Whites to address instances of racial bias and/or prejudice in whatever forum it might exist.
The idea that as a Black man, my racial identity can be reduced to a “card” that I can play at my convenience is both laughably ludicrous and morally repugnant.
If I could truly use this card (or keep it safely tucked inside my wallet) at my own discretion and prevent my ethnicity from becoming a problematic obstacle during inopportune situations like during job interviews or applications for bank loans… believe me — I would do so.
Unfortunately, that is not the way the world works.
But your use of the phrase “the race card” insinuates otherwise, and I strenuously object to your continuing to use it.
Please do yourself and your readers a service by abolishing this term from your arsenal of go-to phrases. It will elevate your writing beyond the stale and predictable, and honor the complexity and nuance of racial relations in America today.
Thanks for your consideration.
Jon’s response:
Dear Jelani,Thank you very much for writing and for your courtesy. Let me address your criticism with respect to the issue of loaded language vis-à-vis the phrase “race card.”
I cannot speak for others’ uses of the term, let alone its supposed origins. My use of the phrase – all three, actually; you did not see fit to take issue with “gender card” or “class card” – is to mock what I perceive as ad hominem argument that seeks to elevate or insulate or, conversely, to negate or silence an individual on the basis not of his ideas, but circumstantial matters such as his genetics, his birth, etc.
This inference you have made with respect to the phrase being used to “disdain any attempt by Blacks or other non-Whites to address instances of racial bias and/or prejudice in whatever forum it might exist,” if you wish to suggest that it applies to my column (your phrasing is equivocal), you would be quite mistaken, and I would find the suggestion offensive as well as 180 degrees out of phase.
I agree with you that racial prejudice is repugnant. Because I believe so, I think it is wrong to focus so entirely on people as members of racial groups. My thinking is that one cannot train one’s mind to value someone as an individual if one is instructed in seeking to categorize an individual according to race, gender, class, religion, etc.
You and I cannot change the way the world works, as you put it; people are going to notice these things, and some people simply are jerks. Nevertheless, we can promote the idea of valuing people as individuals as opposed to representatives of genetic (and other) groups. If one has a political objection to Obama, for example, our default assumption should be that this person is telling the truth and really does object to Obama on his stated grounds, not that his objection is secretly rooted in his dislike for black people. (Along those same lines, if someone has a political objection to McCain, our default assumption should be that this person is telling the truth and really does object to McCain on his stated grounds, not that his objection is secretly rooted in a marked underappreciation for McCain’s time in a Viet Cong prison camp.)
Furthermore, I find this deplorable devaluation of the individual compounded in the present political context, where supposed valuations (after first taking pains to point them out, of course) of a person according to his race, gender, and so forth are merely contingent upon that person’s being in political agreement – disagreement leads to the facially absurd contention that the person is not “really” a member of the groups that align with his genetics.
It is a risible notion in operation that I spoofed, for example, in a December column.You will perhaps object to my title (, which is admittedly sensational but also, I hope you will see, the reductio ad absurdum of that notion. My approach is humor, but there are serious points behind them (as Aristotle said, a jest that will not bear serious examination is false wit), and I trust that you as someone cognizant of nuance and complexity will appreciate them, regardless of whether you will agree with them. After all, people may share the same values and still differ over how best they may be achieved.
Best regards,
Jon
My rebuttal:
Jon,
Thank you for writing back so quickly and eloquently. Yours was a meaty response, which I had to take my time to understand and digest.
(Plus there were two Latin phrases and an SAT word – risible – that I had to look up.)
Allow me to answer some of your questions and statements in the order that they were made.
You are wise to avoid speaking for others’ use of the term “the race card” because you don’t know what others mean when they say it, but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook entirely.
I have an on-again, off-again relationship with the word “pimp” precisely because it’s still difficult to maintain a consensus on the entirety of that word’s meaning in the vernacular of today. Is a pimp a flashy dresser who is popular with the ladies? Is a pimp an unbelievable lowlife who exploits women sexually and financially? Is pimp a verb, which means to bedeck with ornate accoutrements? Or is it another verb, to aggressively hawk or promote a product?
The answer, of course, is yes.
Pimp means all of those things.
Which means to use it casually in one way could be seen as an affront to abused women everywhere, while to insist on its absolute banishment could be seen as an attempt by the P.C. police to unnecessarily regulate harmless speech.
In my own writing, I’ve chosen to give up trying to dissuade people from saying the word ‘pimp’ primarily because in the general vernacular it’s moved too far past its original meaning. It feels futile to try and lecture someone on the evils of pimping if I first have to explain that Snoop Dogg stole his whole schtick from Antonio Vargas, who played Huggy Bear on “Starsky and Hutch.” After awhile it just feels like too much water has spilled from that particular dam.
But I still don’t use the word much, and I try to be careful when I do. Maybe you exercise that same level of care when it comes to loaded terms, and I don’t know because all I see is the finished product – your column.
I chose to challenge your use of “the race card” because I don’t think that same evolution of meaning has taken place. Your use of the phrase is not AS morally offensive because I agree with your general premise, which means no, I don’t think my characterization of its typical use applies as much to your column in question. Because you were not using it specifically as a bludgeon against the idea of vigilantly recognizing and regulating our own cultural biases — as opposed to the legions of talking heads who use it in the manner I previously described – I understand your choosing to use it.
But like I said before, that doesn’t mean you’re totally off the hook.
I fear your continued use of the phrase will inadvertently lend credence to the unspoken assumptions that some of your readers may mistakenly assume you have in common – namely, that “the race card” is an unfair advantage, the societal equivalent of a “Get Out of Jail Free” card that liberals use to shame regular people into kowtowing to the demands of rabble-rousers and trouble-makers. I understand your need for a comedic device, and I think that one works on that level, but at what cost? Ultimately, I think it lowers the bar more than raises it.
I didn’t call out your use of the phrase “the gender card” or “the class card” because I regard them as derivative phrases you (or someone else) invented to make your point, phrases which are neither as pernicious or popular as the original. If I felt called to be more of an advocate for the poor, or if I were female, I might feel otherwise. This might be hypocritical of me, I don’t know. I just choose to speak up on the things I care about.
Moving to some of the broader similarities and differences in our outlooks on life…
I also agree that “it is wrong to focus so entirely on people as members of racial groups.”
For me, though, the operative word is “entirely.” Having a balanced outlook on our society as a whole requires concurrent understanding of people as both individuals and members of interlocking groups. Family groups, social groups, industry groups, regional groups, even ethnic and cultural groups. I am all for taking the time to stress individual accountability as long as that is balanced by an understanding of corporate culpability. The ramifications of our actions are equally important in both contexts.
By the way, I thoroughly enjoyed the December column you referenced, because I was also entertained (and appalled in equal measure) by Andrew Young’s attempt to disqualify Sen. Obama as not being black enough. That’s part of the reason why I have such a strong sense of personal identification with Obama, because I spent most of my formative years (middle school, high school, and college) trying to battle the horrid fallacy that intellect and analysis is somehow anathema to authentic Blackness. I’m almost ashamed to admit that there were plenty of times growing up when I would’ve traded all of my A’s for a jheri curl and a pair of Air Jordans if it meant I could fit in with some of the cool kids who weren’t as smart (or the others who were, but wouldn’t dare admit it).
I’ve also observed the ridiculous extent to which those on the left have contorted themselves with an Olympian caliber of mental gymnastics when it comes to aligning their political choices to their assumptions about race and class. That’s part of the reason why Senator Obama has been such a lightning rod for criticism on all sides, because his story and political ascent don’t fit into most of the prevailing narrow preconceptions about race and class that have long been unchallenged. This is also why it was inevitable that he would have to part ways with Dr. Jeremiah Wright. A Scripture regarding wine and wineskins comes to mind.
Finally, I also agree with your final statement, which has formed the basis for my wanting to write this blog. People can, and often do, share the same values and goals and still differ on how best to achieve them.
It’s my hope that more people would use the forums at their disposal and be intentional about keeping that conversation going, keeping it respectful, and resisting the urge to let the need for attention hijack our collective capacity for civility.
Holla back…
Jelani
His rebuttal:
Dear Jelani,
Thank you for your well-considered response. I certainly understand the frustration of using words that have slippery meanings. I have, for example, maintained an objection against using the word “liberal” to describe someone who favors a strong central government, but it is nigh on impossible to discuss politics without it and not sound stilted, so normally I will put “liberal” in quotations on first use.
I would suggest, however, that you are overlooking context; a word may have many different meanings, so the context in which it is used becomes an important part of defining it. The English language has a particular tendency toward such words.
I think you have no reason to fear my use of “race card” because it is done in the context of mocking the idea of it being used as a “get out of jail free” card. I doubt I could simultaneously lend credence to something I am spoofing.
I am very precise about word choice. That’s not to say I don’t make mistakes, of course; there is invariably at least one thing in each column I regret or wish I had changed. Sometimes many considerations go into a decision over an individual word or phrase, and I cannot expect you to share them all nor give them the same weights as I.
As for your discourse on having a balanced outlook, I will say that I had set forth a general principle that is intuitive, but one of the problems in trying to flesh out an intuitive principle is that words fail to anticipate what discernment can navigate. My concern in this context is foremost the primacy of the individual, and I ratify the principle that all of us, each of us, are created equal in the eyes of God – we have many differences, of course, but we have the same inner nature. If one hews to that principle, then any prejudicial treatment will be hypocrisy — something counter to one’s belief. On the other hand, racism is the logical end of a principle of mentally sorting people first by race.
I wish you all success with your struggle. You seem to set a strong personal example in favor of your chosen path. I cannot imagine it failing to yield fruit; may it be bountiful.
Jon
So my final analysis is that Jon Sanders seems like a good guy who probably still has a lot of different ideas than I do about public policy, although he is probably a lot more qualified to speak on policy than I am, being a policy analyst and all. He values the primacy of the individual, and likes long walks on the beach at sunset.
He also likes satire, which makes him a good guy in my book.
I’m not sure I achieved my primary objective (to get him to stop saying “the race card”) but I did achieve my second objective (to demonstrate that those who think differently aren’t necessarily idiots).
My only regret is failing to ask him about “Lost” (since he works for the John Locke Foundation.)
This was so much fun, I’m gonna try it again with someone else.
Thanks to Jon Sanders for mixin’ it up with me.