Tag Archives: satire

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A Modest Proposal to Protect the Confederate Flag

To Whom It May Concern,*

 

Ladies and gentlemen, the Confederate flag, a symbol of southern pride and heritage for generations, is under attack.

Because of one isolated incident with a mentally ill young man who just happened to be seen with the flag several days before gunning down nine African-Americans at a random church, suddenly everyone wants to pile on and act like the flag is some sort of magic talisman of hate that can instantly turn our children into racist, homicidal maniacs, rather than the piece of historical lore that it is.

As a result, there is a lot of talk, not only of removing the flag from the South Carolina capitol building, but of banning it altogether.

This, to me, is unacceptable. Rather than seeking to ban the Confederate flag, we need to be doing more to protect it.

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Black Jesus Modest Proposal: Watch It At Church

(Editor’s Note: If you don’t know the history behind the term “modest proposal,” you won’t understand unless you read the whole thing.)

 

Well, last night happened and, as far as I can tell, the four horsemen of the apocalypse have yet to appear.

Which world-shattering event am I referring to? A new development in the Israel-Palestine conflict? A new executive order signed by President Obama? Another Mark Driscoll scandal? No, no… I’m talking about something important. 

Last night was the premiere of the new Aaron McGruder comedy, “Black Jesus.” For the uninitiated, here’s a trailer:

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For Those Who Must Drink Coffee in Church


I know that a few of you will be in church services this evening, because many churches hold New Year’s Eve services. And because it’ll be an obviously late evening, many of you will probably do something you normally do when you come to church — bring coffee.

With that in mind, I offer a parody of one of my favorite songs, Kirk Franklin’s “My Life Is In Your Hands.” Here’s a rendition on Youtube if you’ve never heard it.

Like many parodies, it’s actually much funnier if you actually sing it. If I had more time at my disposal, I would record it myself and send it around. (One of these days I may do just that.) Until then, those of you with taste for satire, feel free to actually sing it on your own, out loud even.

By the way, I wrote this parody over a year ago, and I’m realizing now that I was in a much darker place than I thought. Writing this was a form of stress relief, methinks. When I shared it with my wife, she didn’t find it as funny as I did — probably because she drinks coffee and I don’t.

To each their own, I guess.

My Latte’s In My Hand

(sung to the tune of Kirk Franklin’s “My Life Is In Your Hands”)

I don’t have to worry
I don’t have to be afraid
The lines are short at Starbucks
And the coffee is Fair Trade

See, every Sunday morning
This routine is what I do
I can only sing with one hand
Cause really praising Him takes two

Oh, I hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my hand

I used to go to small group;
But it took up all my time
We studied from a workbook
And I kept forgetting mine

Now my ministry is different
Now consuming is enough
And I find my inspiration
From the quotations on the cup

Oh, I hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my hand

Without it I feel naked
And in a year, I’ll spend three grand
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my hand

Some people don’t drink coffee
That’s a promise I can’t make
If I don’t have my latte,
Then I cannot stay awake

Cause I used to get in trouble
When I fell asleep alot
But all I need to hear the Spirit,
Is a couple extra shots

I hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way,
My latte’s in my hand

If there’s a need, let pastor take it
He seems like a good man
But no matter what my come my way
My latte’s in my hand

I hope the church will make it
I hope it’s in God’s plan
But no matter what may come my way,
My latte’s in my hand

I still might send an offering
To that mission in Sudan
But no matter what may come my way
My latte’s in my hand

Let the church say amen. And if you can’t say amen, say ‘ouch.’

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Really, Apple… A Vending Machine?

I’m not the type of cat to throw stones at an innovative company like Apple, Inc.

(Even though I don’t have a problem with laughing with others who do.)

As a Windows man, I have a healthy amount of respect for Apple’s slick, easy-to-use products — many of which (including the ubiquitous iPhone and all the iterations of the iPod) have achieved significant market penetration for Apple, if not outright domination.

But I do believe there can be too much of a good thing, and I saw it with my own eyes during a layover in the Houston airport recently – when I walked past an iPod vending machine.

Yes, that’s right. A freaking iPod vending machine.

It’s always been my understanding that vending machines depend primarily on foot traffic. So in this economy, it seems like a major stretch to expect Charlie and Cathy Consumer to shell out several hundred dollars on an impulse purchase, even one as popular as an iPhone or an iPod.

Yet, there it was, in the middle of the concourse.

So I guess that must be what the brain trust at Apple is banking on. Either that, or they’re just expecting spontaneous brand conversions, as consumers cave to the massive waves of peer pressure that result from such market domination.

Or maybe this is just one big ego boost.

Screw it, I’m Steve Jobs, and I say we sell iPods in vending machines. Don’t give me figures, lets MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

I enjoy seeing that kind of moxie when it’s depicted as comedy – like the fictional Gillette exec in this great archived piece from The Onion (WARNING R-rated language).

But in real life, it’s not as funny. I hope nobody loses their shirt over this, because as far as I know, they’re not selling those in vending machines yet.

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Sarah Palin: The New Chuck Norris


For those of you, like me, who couldn’t get enough “investigative reporting” about the growing legend of Carlos Ray Norris, the phenomenon is repeating itself with the latest femme fatale, VP candidate (and McCain running mate) Sarah Palin. I give you: Sarah Palin Facts. My favorites:

  • Sarah Palin begins every day with a moment of silence for the political enemies buried in her yard.
  • Sarah Palin can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves
  • Sarah Palin is what Willis was talkin’ ’bout
  • Scientists discovered mysterious watermarks on Sarah Palin’s ultrasound images. Translated from Inuit, they read: “ALASKA GIRLS KICK @SS.”
  • Fox is starting a new reality show … “When Sarah Palin Attacks”
  • Death once had a near-Sarah-Palin experience
  • In the original version, He-Man had the power of Sarah Palin, but the writers felt this would make him way too powerful
  • Jesus has a bracelet that says “WWSPD”

By the way, one of those I made up just now. Astute Mixin’ It Up readers should be able to guess which one. enjoy.

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Hey, It Worked For George Lucas

The latest headline from The Onion:

Aaron Sorkin Announces New ‘West Wing’ Animated Series at SorCon.

(Hey, it worked for George Lucas.)

This is yet another reason why I really love The Onion.

Because every once in awhile I read something so hilarious, it had to have been written by someone like me.

(After I read that last sentence, I realize it came off far more egotistical sounding than I meant. It’s not that only people like me are funny. Rather, it takes a certain person with similar tastes and talent to write something that I would find particularly funny.)

As I’ve mentioned before, often the best forms of satire are, rather than mean-spirited, affectionate jabs at a target with which the author is well acquainted.

In this case, that target is the immensely talented and heavily scrutinized screenwriting auteur Aaron Sorkin.

Speaking as someone who is still rewatching episodes of Studio 60 on iTunes, I was very amused by the premise of the article. And slightly intrigued by the possibility.

I know, I know. That’s pathetic.

I don’t know if this makes me a “Sorkie,” one of the legion of dedicated fans who idolize Sorkin — and his right-hand director, Tommy! Schlamme! — but I’m pretty sure that it makes me a huge nerd.

But I don’t care.

I really dig Sorkin’s work. It just fits me in a way other shows don’t.

I had a conversation with a friend once, who was telling me why she didn’t like the show, and eventually it boiled down to the fact that she didn’t like the fact that the characters talked so fast and were so clever.

“Real people don’t talk like that,” she said.

But I talk like that!, I wanted to say.

I didn’t, though, because, really, she’s right. Real people don’t talk like that.

At least not all the time, anyway. Real people don’t have professional writers crafting eloquent bon mots at every turn. Real people don’t usually have the impressive dramatic range and comedic timing to carry Sorkin’s trademark walk-and-talk staccato.

But God help us if our biggest problem with a TV show is that it makes us a little smarter.

And for the record, I’m still holding out for a Sports Night feature film. If Joss Whedon’s Firefly fans got Serenity, then we should get this, it’s only fair. There”s gonna be a 10-year anniversary DVD reissue this year, so maybe that will drum up some support.

Come on, folks.

Someone get working on this.

Felicity Huffman, Peter Krause, Josh Charles, Joshua Malina, Sabrina Lloyd, Robert Guillaume… throw in a little Janel Moloney, Dule Hill… who wouldn’t watch that?

I’m telling you.

This needs to happen.

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Mary Mary Launches Reality Show to Add Third Mary

They’re known as sisters.

And they’ve since become mothers.

How fitting, then, that they would seek to find another sister — named after the most well-known mother of all.

As a follow up to their popular Mother’s Day promotion with Colgate, Tina and Erica Atkins-Campbell, commonly known as superstar gospel duo Mary Mary, have agreed to star in a reality-TV vehicle to discover a third singing partner. The twist? She’ll be a Mary, alright. All the eligible contestants will be Catholic nuns.

Tina says the inspiration came from an unlikely source.

“We had just come from a long studio session, and Teddy had already put the girls to bed, and I just couldn’t sleep yet, so I turned on the TV. And there was Lauryn, just tearing it up again.”

“I’ll never forget that night,” piped in Erica.

They’re referring to a rebroadcast of Sister Act 2, part of a November Whoopi Goldberg marathon on TNT. The 1993 sequel, directed by Bill Duke, featured a breakout performance from then undiscovered Lauryn Hill, who went on to become an accomplished singer and rapper with The Fugees.

“Just watching her sing the open to ‘Joyful Joyful’ got my heart racing,” says Tina. “Pretty soon, I had to get on the phone.”

“Tina called me at 12:30 at night, talkin’ ’bout ‘Girl, turn on TNT… remember this?!'”

They both watched the rest of the song, completely spellbound in nostalgic reverie. By the time it was over, they knew something was brewing.

“Erica said, ‘are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ and I was like, ‘Yeah, but Lauryn Hill’s not in the industry anymore.'”

“My sister, she didn’t quite get it,” laughs Erica. “So me and Warryn did some brainstorming the next day, and a few months later, here we are.”

Their brainstorming led them to contact Whoopi Goldberg directly, who thought the idea was splendid. Ms. Goldberg’s advocacy on their behalf helped them gain the rights to record a remake of “Ms. Celia’s Blues (Sister),” which will function as the show’s theme song, albeit with reworked lyrics:

“Sister, you can jump the line
Sister, we’re three of a kind, oh,

Sister, have I got some news… for you!”

The three day miniseries, entitled, “Sister, May I?” will be broadcast on the BET network, in anticipation of their fourth album to be released in August. It’s their hope that the third Mary will be able to tour with Tina and Erica, and maybe even contribute in the songwriting process for the fifth album, slated for a release sometime in late 2010.

“It’ll require an adjustment period for all three of us,” admits Tina. “But whichever sister joins the group, we don’t want her to change on our behalf. She can still wear the habit and everything.”

“Black is always stylish,” chimes in Erica.

Still, the bold reality-TV concept wasn’t exactly greeted with enthusiasm by representatives of parent label Columbia Records.

“Even if she can sing, I’m not sure how it’s going to work,” said industry analyst Nathan Trimble.

“I’ve never seen any nuns with sex appeal.”

When reminded that Mary Mary was a gospel duo with a large Christian audience, Trimble was undeterred.

“Christians have sex too,” he said. “I mean, isn’t that how R. Kelly got so popular?”

Local convents have welcomed the news, as scores of musically talented African-American women have filled their ranks in the weeks following the announcement.

“They’re coming in droves,” said sister Mary Francis of Santa Sabinet, a religious order of women in southern California. “The days of banquet fund-raising is over. From now on, it’s choir concerts and braiding hair.”

One of the hopeful contestants is former Sister, Sister star Tamera Mowry.

“Call me greedy, but I always wanted more than one sister,” Mowry laments. “And ever since Tia got married, it’s like I don’t even have her anymore.” Beaming in front of the camera, she continued.

“That’s why I was so excited about this show. I wanted to be an unofficial member of Out of Eden for awhile, and that didn’t work out. Maybe Tina and Erica can become my newest sisters instead. If not… well, aren’t the ladies in Point of Grace related?”

Still, the newest BET reality vehicle is earning its share of controversy, despite its wholesome premise. The Vatican has since issued an advisory warning about the series, citing the tenuous connection with Lauryn Hill, whose 2003 Vatican concert offended many, including the Pope. As a result, several local Catholic advocacy groups have organized a boycott.

“I think they’re a little confused about their theology,” said spokesman Jason Card. “I mean, the doctrine of the trinity has nothing to do with the virgin Mary.”

When the show’s operating budget was announced, Card backtracked a bit.

“If they need a publicist, however, I can be available.”

A sampling of Mary Mary fans polled online have favorable expectations for the program, although a few comments on their message boards revealed concerns about the move.

User JeZusLUVSM3 wondered if they’ll have to change the name of the group to accommodate the new member.

“How about ‘Mary! Mari! Maré!’ I mean, you know, it worked for Raphael and them, you never know.”

“Feels good to me,” she added.

Other anonymous users wondered if the duo is simply trying to cash in on the reality TV trend.

“That’s ridiculous,” said Columbia A&R representative Lisa Redmond. “All of our acts are committed to the highest standards of artistic integrity.”

At that, she couldn’t resist one more plug.

“So don’t forget to tune into BET next Friday, where we’ll have a live release party concert from our newest trio in the Columbia gospel family, Trilogy 6:8.”

* * *

[STANDARD DISCLAIMER — this is satire. Otherwise known as humor. No, it’s not true. It’s a joke. But I had you going, didn’t I? You know I did.]

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Cross Movement Mandates All Emcees Rhyme in Greek


Not satisfied with being an industry leader in theologically orthodox rap music, John Wells recently made what some may consider a rather unorthodox decision.

Wells, known as The Tonic, but more broadly known as the president of Cross Movement Records, recently enacted a sweeping policy for all of the hip-hop groups under his label. Effective immediately, all emcees rhyming for Cross Movement Records must rap exclusively in Greek.

“In order to be true to the God of the Bible,” explained Wells at a recent press conference, “you have to speak the language of the Bible. So for us, that means speaking koine Greek, the language of the people. Although, I guess if you’re doing old-school hip-hop, then Hebrew would be an acceptable alternative.”

Up and down the roster, CMR artists are taking the news in stride.

“It just seems like the next logical step,” according to William “Duce” Branch, a.k.a. The Ambassador. “The beats will still be bangin’ like they always are, we’ll just be diggin’ deeper into the original language. Same message, same music, different form.

“The Bible says we’re called to be a peculiar people,” continued Branch. “Anybody can rap about God in English.

While all CMR artists are adapting their craft to fit the rule, it’s unclear whether the mew mandate will apply to cameo appearances from other rappers as well.

“My man Shabach wants to get down on another joint with me,” says Brady Goodwin, a.k.a. the Phanatik. “But I don’t know, he might have to change his name to ‘Aineo’ or something.”

Emanuel Lambert (“Da Truth”) was particularly excited when he heard the news, sensing an opportunity to raise the standard for other emcees.

“Some folks act like you gotta have a Bible degree if you want to be a part of our ministry. Obviously, that’s not true. All you really need are the first two semesters.”

The biggest concern for the CMR staff is how their legion of fans will react.

“We know this will be a big adjustment to many of the fans who have supported us faithfully since day one,” admits Wells. “But for those willing to join us on our journey, we’ve made available a CM starter kit.”

Wells is referring to the Official Cross Movement Super Fan Pak, a bundled product designed by their marketing consultants. It consists of an expanded “HIStory” boxed set of greatest hits, a new CM T-shirt emblazoned with “IXOYE” in graffiti typeface, a New American Standard Bible, and a copy of Strong’s Concordance.

“If critics want to say our music isn’t weighty enough, the Fan Pak alone weighs like 15 pounds, fam.”

At this, he received several fist-pounds from members of the appreciative crowd, some of whom were in line to pre-order their own Fan Paks.

“See,” said Wells. “They know the signature.”

Third-coast native Lecrae is cautiously optimistic about the new lyrical focus, though he is asking for patience from his fans.

“Some ask Lecrae, ‘when you gon’ rhyme again?’ and I’m like, ‘hold up gimme time, my man.’ Because I’m still trynna learn my Greek tenses, you know?”

While Cross Movement artists and staff are preparing for a backlash from folks who feel their Greek-only stance is too drastic, they’ve also received criticism that they haven’t gone far enough.

“Greek is for transliterations, ” says Lampmode Recordings emcee Shai Linne. “If you really want to speak the language of the New Testament, you gotta do what I do — rhyme in Aramaic.”

While it’s way too early to gauge the response from consumers, industry experts say that rapping in Greek will polarize their wider fan base of urban Christians and their supportive suburban and rural counterparts.

At many Christian bookstores, however, patrons greeted the news with indifference.

“I don’t think I would notice either way,” said Janice Stephens, avid shopper and figurine enthusiast.

“When it comes to rap, it’s all Greek to me anyhow.”

[I really shouldn’t have to say this, but just so there’s no confusion … this is a joke. It’s called satire. Don’t leave me angry comments about how I’m being disrespectful to the CM. On second thought, please… leave me angry comments. I need the comments.]

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Israel Houghton Signs Endorsement Deal With New Seasons Markets


New Seasons Market

 

Israel and New Breed, New Seasons



PORTLAND, OR. — Citing both his desire to reach a severely unchurched population bloc and his appreciation for organic fruits and vegetables, singer/songwriter Israel Houghton has entered into a commercial agreement with New Seasons Markets, a grocery chain in the Portland area.

Terms of the agreement have not been officially disclosed, but Houghton’s distinctive tenor can be heard singing the newest jingle for the high-end, specialty grocer, a remake of his first radio hit “New Season”:

It’s at New Seasons / They have it today / fresh cilantro / for your soufflé / At New Seasons there’s flour / and red and green tea / It’s at New Seasons / Come in with me

Fans of Houghton, frontman of the Grammy-winning powerhouse ensemble Israel and New Breed, were taken aback by the unusual career move, so Houghton recently took the step to explain himself.

“It actually started when we did a worship concert a few years back in the Portland area. I had just finished rehearsing, and was on my way to the hotel for a few hours of rest. And while I was in the car, I was just sensing this deep thirst inside of me. It was like an incredible longing for something that would satisfy, something to help me through this dry spell that I was in.

“Right then, the Spirit of God spoke to me,” Houghton said. “He told me, ‘take a left at the light.’ And there it was.”

Houghton claims it was divine appointment that led him into a New Seasons market that day, where they had just slashed prices on bottled water with echinacea.

“A 4-pack for $3.99? That stuff saved my voice. Do you know how high I sing?”

Ever since his great experience with the cheerful, friendly staffers — who also pointed out a new breed of hybrid apple-pears — he made it a point to return during every tour through the Pacific Northwest.

“Everybody else, on their downtime, was like ‘let me catch a movie’ or something. Aaron tried to get me to go to Powell’s — I guess there’s this bookstore everybody’s into — but I was like, ‘Naw, I gotta get back to New Seasons!'”

Now that Houghton has taken such a bold step, he’s hoping the unconventional alliance will spark a revolution among Christians in the supermarket aisle.

“There’s a new generation of believers out there, who are taking a stand. They are not satisfied with oranges with no flavor that sit on trucks for weeks at a time. And they are looking to take back their grocery stores for God.

I’m telling you, they’re taking it back, they’re taking it back.”

In lieu of payment, Houghton has requested sales floor space for his latest book, A Deeper Level of Food, a cookbook/devotional title.

So far, most of his fans have greeted the move with enthusiasm.

“My pastor wanted me to do a Daniel fast, where you eat only fruits and vegetables,” said Janice Hansbrough, a mother of three. “I wasn’t really into it until my husband bought me Israel’s new book. Now my favorite snack is snap peas with mint leaves.

“Even my husband eats it,” she added.

Even local New Seasons employees are pleased with the new arrangement. Cashier Grace McKay has noticed a difference in the checkout line. “Since we started playing that ‘With Long Life’ song, I’m pretty sure our geriatric vitamins have gone through the roof.”

Not everyone is happy with the arrangement, however.

“We’re running out of space as it is, shoot,” complained general manager Elaine Simpson. “If Israel wants a deeper level, he’s gonna have to renovate the basement.”

* * *

(In case you couldn’t figure this out… this is a joke, folks. It’s satire. Just like this post about a gospel workout instructor. I’m actually a fan of Israel Houghton and his music. I’m just a sucker for a parody song, and I made up the “It’s At New Seasons” song the first time I saw these markets open up in the Portland area.)

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Canton Jones Launches His Own Line of Christian Rims

ATLANTA, GA. — Devout Christian and hip-hop/R&B crooner Canton Jones held a press conference from inside his luxury SUV to announce the establishment of a new frontier in the CAJO International empire: CAJO Automotive, dealing exclusively high-end custom automotive accessories, including designer rims festooned with Christian symbols.

“Kingdom Rim-Ness is about taking the time to show off what you got,” said Jones, referring to his new line of rims slated to reach dealers later this month. “Provided, of course, that you point them back to the Source.”

When pressed to elaborate, Jones clarified his stance.

“I mean God, not the magazine.”

“Though they did give my album three stars, though,” he added.

Resplendent in a tailored suit and a diamond-encrusted Bluetooth earpiece, Jones held court for nearly an hour from the driver’s seat of his black H2 Hummer, answering questions and blasting music from his latest album, Matthew 22’s.

The five points represent the Trinity, CJ, and, uh, his wife. Or maybe the Five Horsemen. Definitely something Christian, though.

CAJO Automotive also has reached a tentative partnership with the Georgia Department of Driver Services, marketing license plates and covers with bling-friendly slogans like “ROLLWJC,” “ICY XIAN,” and “RIMS4HIM.”

Not only will such automotive products be available to consumers worldwide, but through a work-release program at World Changers Church International, former drug offenders will be allowed to assist in their manufacture, provided that they meet all of the customary parole requirements and promise to bump that new CaJo joint whenever possible.

Though critics have assailed his flamboyant style, Jones seems to be taking his success in stride.

“The Bible says the kingdom suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. Well I guarantee you, if you’re sittin’ on these every day, you gon’ have some folks try to take ’em by force.”

When later asked to clarify his comments, Jones backtracked.

“Of course I would never advocate that kind of behavior. I’m just saying, brothas like the rims, nah mean? You know what, let me just quit now. I’m gonna stay saved on that one.”

* * *

[The previous article was a work of satire. You know, a joke. Because I think Canton Jones talks about rims too much. But just because I’m a good sport, here’s the video to my favorite song of his, “Stay Saved.”]