ATLANTA, GA. — Devout Christian and hip-hop/R&B crooner Canton Jones held a press conference from inside his luxury SUV to announce the establishment of a new frontier in the CAJO International empire: CAJO Automotive, dealing exclusively high-end custom automotive accessories, including designer rims festooned with Christian symbols.
“Kingdom Rim-Ness is about taking the time to show off what you got,” said Jones, referring to his new line of rims slated to reach dealers later this month. “Provided, of course, that you point them back to the Source.”
When pressed to elaborate, Jones clarified his stance.
“I mean God, not the magazine.”
“Though they did give my album three stars, though,” he added.
Resplendent in a tailored suit and a diamond-encrusted Bluetooth earpiece, Jones held court for nearly an hour from the driver’s seat of his black H2 Hummer, answering questions and blasting music from his latest album, Matthew 22’s.
The five points represent the Trinity, CJ, and, uh, his wife. Or maybe the Five Horsemen. Definitely something Christian, though.
CAJO Automotive also has reached a tentative partnership with the Georgia Department of Driver Services, marketing license plates and covers with bling-friendly slogans like “ROLLWJC,” “ICY XIAN,” and “RIMS4HIM.”
Not only will such automotive products be available to consumers worldwide, but through a work-release program at World Changers Church International, former drug offenders will be allowed to assist in their manufacture, provided that they meet all of the customary parole requirements and promise to bump that new CaJo joint whenever possible.
Though critics have assailed his flamboyant style, Jones seems to be taking his success in stride.
“The Bible says the kingdom suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. Well I guarantee you, if you’re sittin’ on these every day, you gon’ have some folks try to take ’em by force.”
When later asked to clarify his comments, Jones backtracked.
“Of course I would never advocate that kind of behavior. I’m just saying, brothas like the rims, nah mean? You know what, let me just quit now. I’m gonna stay saved on that one.”
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[The previous article was a work of satire. You know, a joke. Because I think Canton Jones talks about rims too much. But just because I’m a good sport, here’s the video to my favorite song of his, “Stay Saved.”]