<![CDATA[To Whom It May Concern,*


Ladies and gentlemen, the Confederate flag, a symbol of southern pride and heritage for generations, is under attack.

Because of one isolated incident with a mentally ill young man who just happened to be seen with the flag several days before gunning down nine African-Americans at a random church, suddenly everyone wants to pile on and act like the flag is some sort of magic talisman of hate that can instantly turn our children into racist, homicidal maniacs, rather than the piece of historical lore that it is.

As a result, there is a lot of talk, not only of removing the flag from the South Carolina capitol building, but of banning it altogether.

This, to me, is unacceptable. Rather than seeking to ban the Confederate flag, we need to be doing more to protect it.

As a matter of fact, I think what the south needs is a massive public relations campaign to rescue and burnish the reputation of the flag. Instead of being seen as an icon of drunken country bumpkins, it ought to be seen as an elite status symbol of the southern aristocracy. It should be a symbol of pride, class, and dignified restraint, emblematic of the storied history of many of our southern institutions, like our restaurants, golf clubs, and fraternities.

And what’s the best way to turn something into an elite status symbol? Restrict access. So even though they might’ve done it for the wrong reason, it’s good that Wal-Mart has pulled all their Confederate-flag-festooned merchandise. We don’t want that stuff on display at a Wal-Mart! Wal-Mart is code for “cheap” and “low-class,” and that’s not the brand identity we want. I think the confederate flag should be like Apple’s white earbuds — it should have a specific identity, it should be branded in one specific way, and it should only be accessible from one product line.

confederate flag stuff

So no more Confederate flag keychains, lighters, mudflaps, beer cozies, coffee mugs, wristbands, yoga pants, or reusable grocery bags. And no more actual flags to be sold to the public, either. I know, that may seem like an extreme position, but we don’t want the people who honor the historical legacy of the flag to be burdened by all of this recent scrutiny. Especially because for many of them, it’s too much to ask for them to articulate the historical legacy of the Confederate flag without accidentally saying something that could be construed as racist. We can’t afford to take that chance and end up giving liberals more reasons to bury the flag.

So what’s the product line, you ask?

Specialized license plates. And not just any old plate. Hand-painted plates with relief-style print designs, titanium frames, and a $250 price tag. That may sound like a lot, but do you want the flag that thousands of ancestors died trying to save to be displayed by any old member of the hoi polloi? At this price point, the plates are aspirational marketing tools. They signal to the masses that the person driving the car has both southern pride and disposable income. They will become the Beats By Dre of license plates.

Now hold on, I know what you’re thinking. But the Sons of Confederate Veterans have already tried that, and it hasn’t exactly been successful. It’s true, they’ve faced some resistance in Texas and Virginia, where both states have attempted to ban them. But I have a plan that can help them succeed in making these plates more palatable to the general public.

If we don’t want the plates, and the flag by extension, to be associated with racism, then we’re going to have to prove that we don’t support racism!

So the Sons of Confederate Veterans, or any other group that wants to be the front-facing organization for this effort, needs to dedicate the funds from the sale of these plate to anti-racism causes. Organizations that promote black home-ownership, black literacy, that combat health disparites among lower-income ethnic neighborhoods, that combat privately-owned prisons that incentivize the mass incarceration of black men, that combat educational disparities and deconstruct the public-school-to-prison pipeline, et cetera.

Now again, you may not be all that excited about these causes, but look on the bright side. At $200 a pop, there’s a lot of good that can be done in helping black people. The healthier and more self-sufficient we can make people in the black communities across our nation, the more they’ll be able to form their own communities with functional infrastructures and helpful public services. And the more attractive those communities become, the more they will attract those people, and that means they won’t have to spend as much time in our communities.

Violence will subside, economic growth will increase, and you know what that means!

The south will rise again.

So act now! Let’s turn the Confederate flag into a symbol for a new south, full of healthy black families and communities!


Who’s with me??

This guy is with me, right?





*if you haven’t figured it out by now, this is satire. the use of the phrase “modest proposal” was a big hint.


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